My Thoughts!

To whom it may concern,

Read in between the lines. I have highlighted the important bits for your reference.

Love Reen

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"4 In The Morning - Gwen Stefani "

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I’m lying here in the dark
I’m watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You’ve got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring & I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe
Don’t want to lose the love I’ve found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down
It’s not fair how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can’t escape the love
Give me everything that you have

& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

(Give you everything)
(Give you all of me)

I went out last night having an intellectual talk (Which I have NOT had in some time!) with a newly acquainted friend of mine and I realised that despite passing myself off as some intelligent, ‘Oh I studied in an IS school’, and ‘I get A’s in my exams’ biatch, I AM STILL SO DAMN NAÏVE!

Something that my dear friend said hurt me and slapped me in the face and I hate to say this, I got hurt. After sooooo freaking long, to have someone I hardly know, giving me a reality check was DAMN ‘Serve you right Hazreen!’ GOOD! 

Well, all I have to say, I had a great night last night. And I think I see this friendship going a loooooooooooooooong way.

To you ‘whom I went out with last night’ : You taught me that being ‘real’ was not a bad thing after all. I sincerely enjoyed the talks we had except for the part where I wanted to burn you with my ciggie SO badly.

[27 Days and I’m free to go!]

I have 27 Days before I leave this company and move on with my life in KL again. I shall be in Abu Dhabi and Dubai on the 26/27 Dec 07 to 10 Jan 08 before I move back ALL my stuff to KL.

I’ve decided that I AM going back to finish off my internship and final year in Uni before I get married/committed/have a kid/whatever I’m suppose to do… I think it’s about time that I evolve my life around MY damn life. I AM SO SICK of evolving it around people or family who don’t even appreciate it so I just don’t give a crap anymore.

I’ll see you guys in whichever country I shall be in. You know where to get me. I miss & love all of you guys!

People are MEAN!

Yesterday, I was pissed knowing that life is not how I want it to be. My dream of people being nice and respectful of one another have totally vanished. I have now officially learned the meaning of the term ‘dog eat dog world’ and its have totally opened my eyes THAT big of what I have to aspect when I do graduate and get a job that I have chosen for my future, which is advertising.

Though my current job deals with probably 20% of what I will aspect in the near future, damn, I have to say that whatever I have to do, face, feel and see scares me. And the part that scares me is the most are the people and personalities that I have to deal with when I get my dream job.

Well anyway, before I start biatching about my current job, I have to say that my life here is totally different from what I’ve been facing from since I left S’pore 5-6 years ago. The mentality of people here are different and being a NOBODY here makes me feel totally helpless.

I do admit that its sounds selfish to say this but I miss my life of being that ‘3rd Culture Kid’ and being that spoilt lil’ brat. I miss the openess that I’m able to say, express and feel with my friends who are so far away from me now. And most of all, I miss that place called home, no matter which country I am in.

It seems that the selfish decision of my dad taking us to all these weird countries and places was not a selfish move at all. Its now, when I’m back at where I thought was ‘home’ it makes me realise the things that each person that I have met and know in my life, more valuable and appreciated.

I think that today is just one of that bad days I have lived through that makes me think, and I’m glad that I have those days. I think somehow along this path that ‘we’ call life that I stumble and learn more about the things that I have all this while ignore and look away from.

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The People I MISS section AGAIN!

Kerina & Adzrai - I know that I take you guys for granted sometimes but really, knowing that you guys were out with AJ in KL without me being there, made me realise that I hav’nt been such a great friend to you guys. I promise that before I get married, I’ll come to Melbourne again. The last time I was there, it was 16 days, next, I’m gonna terrorise you guys for a FULL month! And I hope I get upgraded to Business class again!

Simi - 2 words. COME HERE! I am sick of calling you every night, come here so we can talk all night and not be interrupted by the man in our lifes!

Amily - I already said how much I miss you 2 nights ago, so,…get well soon okie?

Denise - You bloody schlumpe, I hav’nt seen you for almost 4 years. Though it feels that we’ve never even left vietnam, I still miss you! I can’t believe that you wer’nt here when Vincent and the rest were here. You could have had SO much fun! Make sure Harry takes care of you, if he does’nt, tell me. I’ll screw him for you.

AJ @ ‘The MIA Fiancee’ - I know that it will be ages before you read this, but really, I’m sorry for not being there for you. Though we are going through a rough patch now, the love and commitment that we have for each other will not be seperated by distance. I can’t allow that because I truly believe that we were meant to be 2gether. No man can ever be understanding and giving as much as you to put up with the crap that I have put you though, thank you for putting up with me.

Jimmy le cat - I know you’re a cat and you can’t read but I have to write this because I miss you the most!… You’re my one and only cat that I truly love. I miss you licking my hands when you sleep and I miss looking at you getting all blur like your ‘daddy’. You’re my one and only ’shadow’ that I miss, why can’t I bring you here? Don’t grow up too fast, your ‘mummy’ will be back soon I hope!

The LUCT ppl - I’m glad that you guys understand why I deferred eventhough I have a year left. I will be back soon to visit you guys and I must say that I miss the idiotic talks, jokes (yes, you zul & nik!) and lepak-ing at the pondok! But among all, I miss you Nadia. Your ‘bimbo-ish’ comments and unintended flirts with random guys totally use to make my day! You’re like a sister to me! And SHAWN! I miss you toooo, but I already told you, so remember, when you bcom my lecturer,… I need and want A’s!

I’m Singaporean?

Since I moved here a couple of week ago, I realized that all this while; I have been truly paranoid and afraid about how I would feel to be a Singaporean again. Since I started work about 3 weeks ago, I feel as if life has not change at all since I left 5 years ago. I still take the bus to work, eat at the same food court I’ve eaten when I was younger and talk the same language as my newfound workmates and acquaintances. The only other thing that separates them and me is my education and also, where I have been for this last 5 years.

My life here has been a routine since I started work, in the sense that I wake up, clean the house, go to work and come back. I don’t really do much but then again, I am having fun learning about the things that I wouldn’t probably learn in uni. I have a great manager (who is also my smoking buddy), hot guys in other departments and my General Manager actually remembers my name! (Considering there are almost 200 other staff in my company!)

Well anyway, I’m working in a Town Club as a Member Relations Officer, basically my job is to assist the PR and Marketing Department and do club tours for potential buyers in the club I’m working for. Working here is pretty unpredictable, one day, its hectic as hell and when it’s quiet, its DEAD quiet. I must say that I actually enjoy my days working here; it really makes me realize that working is not a drag as how some people make it sound.

Anyway, before I go off, since the Internet at my place works now, I can blog again! Oh, and also, a reminder for those who read this, DO NOT wish me Happy 23th Birthday next week! Bcoz in my heart, I TRULY believe that I’m still 16 years old and a virgin! (Don’t roll your eyes Dzul, Edmund and Jack! I know you guys are going to!) Heeee…..

Name: Jimmy Meemo Shuvit Bin AJ Popshuvit

Age: 1 Years Old

Hobbies: Catching Birds, Eating Chicken & Acting Cute!

Wanted: Any Part-Time Girlfriend, who is willing to mate with me 24/7. Only pretty & super HOT looking cats may apply.

[ "Oh, The horror!" ]

I am finally admitting to EVERYONE who reads this blog, that I am SICK of school! SO sick that I finally have fallen sick (Literally coughing to my death!) and slowly losing my sense of motivation in life. I always thought that I was up for this challanges in my life and god dammit, I AM SO WRONG!

I am facing one of those days where I just feel like running. Running away from all the commitments and responsibilities that I have promised not to before. It sucks to feel what I feel and I’m pretty sure everyone have come acrossed those day at least once in their life!

Below, I know this looks and sounds weird, is a letter to me.

Dearest Hazreen,

Why in god’s name would you give up on everything? You’ve work your ass this far to even be and built who you are today. You’ve sacrified so much and pushed yourself no matter who or what have tried to stop you, and still you want to give up. I swear if you don’t move your ass to be the person you want to be, no more Pure Chocolate blended for you! I MEAN IT!

Love,

Hazreen’s Alter Ego.

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[ What? 25 days more! ]

I have been doing nothing except for my schoolwork and watching E! Channel and I’ve just realised today that there’s less then a month to go! So far, no major fuckups have happened except for Dayat cancelling (She has a gig on that day @ Johor!, But its all good.) and I’m super duper acting like it’s all cool.

I’ve been pretty much nervous and you can’t blame me! I really don’t know what to expect! I’m pretty excited that my cousins are gonna be here and I pray to god that everything goes on well. For my cousins who I love SO much, tolong belikan Bandung ye… The ones here don’t taste the same!

And for those who are joining me to go up to Genting from the 11th-13th June, we are gonna have an ass-kicking time! I’m gonna make-up for the 6 months I have not been drinking! Hell yeah!

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I am SO stuck listening to ‘Home’ by Micheal Buble. I don’t know why but I sometimes get so emotional when I hear this song. Somehow, indirectly it expresses how I feel being away from singapore. Its so sad not being brought up with your family and childhood freinds… I feel so lost and I had feeling like a tourist when I go back. I’m pretty sure any ‘3rd Culture Kid’ would feel the same way as me.

This is the list of what I miss…

- My family…, my cousins, my aunties & my brother.

- My friends, people who know me from day one.

- The feeling of being belonged, belonged and accepted by everyone.

- Being surrounded by people I can talk to.

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‘Home’ - Micheal Buble

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
I’m fine baby, how are you?
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I?m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I?m living someone else?s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I?m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

[ Good Charlotte anyone? ]

For once in my life, I felt OLD! God dammit, going to a gig full of kids is NOT fun. I thought that I was the same old Hazreen Hassan who loves going to watch gigs, and just screaming on the top of my lungs, but I realised after yesterday,… I was SO wrong!

Honestly, I had more fun hanging with Simi and Amily more then watching Good Charlotte. Don’t get me wrong, watching Joel live was fun, but just for the first 5 minutes. After that. everything just went blurrgg! It was a fun night though, managed to hang out with Simi after SOoooo long and I freaking miss talking to her!

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[ Exams and getting engaged is NOT a good combination! ]

I’m getting really freaked out that the freaking engagedment is in 5 freaking weeks. What the hell was I thinking to do it when I’m still studying? Dammit! Anyway, everything is going as planned and I don’t wanna say anything bad to jinx anything!

Most of the invitations are out and I kinda accidentally invited more people then I was suppose to. But then again, its okie, I guess, I like the idea of my friends and family that I love SO much being around!

I really don’t know what to say, bcoz this past fews weeks have been such a blur and I kinda feel that I’m taking everything day by day. Almost everything is settled and I’m kinda confident to say that things will turn out okie. Anyway, I’m suppose to be doing my assignment now, until I blog again, take care and good night.

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p/s Happy Birthday Kerina Shah! You are SO old now, hope you’re coming back soon. I freaking miss hanging out with you and Adzrai! God knows how BORING KL can get!

1. When its time of the month, I crave for sushi and chocolate! Weird combination but I love it!

2. Whenever I step out/in a house or any entry/exit point, I HAVE to go in by my right feet first. If I don’t I go in/out again and go in with my right feet! I’m a pyscho biatch!

3. I get all f**ked up when I see ALOT of Koi Fish doing that sucky thing with their mouths!. YUCKS!

4. I obssess over my cat, Jimmy. I love him too much!

5. I sing really loudly when I’m afraid.

6. My mum thought at one point of time that I was a lesbian.

7. I have a crush (and still do!) on Tony Kanal since I was 11!

8. I am afraid of the dark. As in REALLY afraid, I will die if you leave me at any dark places/spots!

9. When I was 15 kg heavier a few years back, I decided to lose weight and made AJ as a reward. When I reached my target weight, I went up to AJ and said ‘Hi!’. I’ve NEVER regretted it, he was the best gift from god, EVER!

10. I’m OCD, I arrange my underwear and clothes by colour co-ordination!

I’m here, stuck not knowing what to do with my next semester. Even this semester I’m actually struggling to get by. I finally came up with the ‘balls’ to tell my year-leader, Miss Ero, what was going on in MY life. Which I found freaky. I guess it hard to reveal things about you that should remain private after all.

After telling her, I felt like such a huge burden was carried off me. I knew it in my heart that I should be with my sister and family more and the decision I made will be concluded during our meeting on Tuesday at 11am.

As for my family, I’m glad that my brother, Hazwan, is back from Taiwan. Its such a relieve bcoz I’ve been fighting this silent battles alone. Its good knowing that there is emotional support from someone other then AJ. He too is trying to help me out to talk sense to my parents bcoz I feel that they have not been handling everything well with my sister and all.

As for my sister, I honestly don’t know if she’s doing okie. God knows what goes through her mind everyday and its hard. I literally wake up everyday not knowing how or who she is going to be. She smsed me today saying that ‘I’m being too nice’ and I of course responded that I am learning to be a sister and that I am nice, theres where both of us have to learn to be actual ’sisters’.

Since I moved to KL, I’ve realised alot of things that I’ve been lacking in and one of it is NOT knowing my own family, as in my parents and other siblings. The only family I actually ever had was just my brother and my cousins. Its hard to admit and I feel bad for saying this but I actually felt as if my cousins, Kak Lina, Kak Emmi and their mom were like my only family who I could talk to before. BUT NOW, I am going to change and mend things and make up for the ‘family togetherness’ that I’ve been lacking for the past 23 years.

And I feel that it is about time that things actually change in my family. I honestly don’t know how we became so seperated eventhough we lived in the same house and share the same freaking DNA! I know that somehow, it was a sign for things to change especially after my sister was diagnosed with that disorder. I know that god works in mysterious ways, and its true. I honestly feel that my family would be closer and stronger after this whole incident. Its just that now, we have to focus on how to get my sister better again, and how we have to overcome it.

I would never forget what Kak Lina said to me before when I was in bad terms with my sister,…which was, ‘No matter what, your sister is going to be your sister, and she’s going to be the only family that you would ever have, she’s your blood!’… And I still remember that comment. Now, I realised it and though other people may say its too late. Better now then never, no matter how bad the situation. I just have to take it day by day.